Love Letters
by hollyhocks09
Summary: Lilly Potter knew she would die, and leave Harry alone. And so, she left letters for him. What happens when he finally gets them? When she expresses a wish for him to be on good terms with his potions master? T for now, maybe M later.
1. Chapter 1

Harry felt so empty, but then, that wasn't so unusual. In fact it was his constant state, now that so many were dead. Was war was over, yippie. But everyone was dead. And, just to depress him ever more, he was in a double potions class with the slytherins. Joy of joy.

And he had only been back at Hogwarts a few weeks, and he was already snowed under with work. Severus snape stalked down the isle, and stopped to sneer at Harry's potion. But he also sighed and said; "Mr. Potter, please stay after class." "Yes sir." Harry mumbled. He was bloody useless at potions. He was bloody useless at everything really, he felt a sudden, strong stab of pain, and then it was gone, faded in to nothingness.

Finally, class was over and every one apart form Harry left the room, a happy buzz falling over them, weekend and the promise of relaxation negating the tortuous experience of Potions class.

But Harry just walked up to Snape's desk, feeling vaugly humiliated.

Severus took a deap breath. "Mr. Potter." He said, all most gently. And then; "would you take a seat?" he gestured to one of the desks in the front row and Harry sat, suspecting that if he had to sit down this was going to be a long lecture.

"Mr. Potter…when your parents died," Harry braced himself, he the last thing he wanted to hear was about how his parents would have wanted better from him, how he was a disappointment to everyone, he knew that already.

"Well, just before they died, your mother, who was quiet a religious woman, somehow found out what would happen." Harry gaped at him, but Severus wasn't looking, his eyes were fixed firmly on the wall, his hands gripping the desk tightly. "I don't know how, but, she left…documents for you. Letters, I believe. And some memories. They were to be left in…your god fathers possetion. But, as he was imprisoned, they never got to you. After that, I think that he felt that you would have been angry at him, and so, he never…found the right time to give them too you. As…the next surviving person closest to your parents- I continued to be friends with Lilly- they have now fallen in to my position. And now, I am giving them to you, as she intended." Severus swallowed and reached under his desk, pulling out a brown box, a quiet ordinary one really…but could they really be letters from…?

Severus put it on the desk, and waited for Harry to do something, again, not looking at him.

Slowly, Harry got up and reached out, hardly daring to hope.

"Mr. Potter." Severus said, a bit too loudly. "If I were you, I would not…rush this. They have been kept away from you for 16 years, they will keep for another 16 if you need them too. She would not have wanted them to hurt you."

"Thank you professor." Harry said, his eyes still on the box. "professor…why didn't Dumbledore give this to me?"

"he…was not aware of their existence." Harry wasn't sure if he wanted to know why not.

"professor." Severus nodded jerkily. "Good day." He said, in an obvious dismissal.

Harry walked as if in a trance, staring at the box in his arms, holding it almost lovingly.

He hardly knew what he was doing, but his feet took him to the one place he would be able to do this alone; the room of requirements.

He sat down on the floor, hardly noticing what else the room held. If he had, he would have seen that it was the bedroom of his dreams, exactly the way his mother would have done it.

He sat the box down in front of him and let out a long shaky breath. Reverently, he opened it. It was filled to the brim with thing; letters, vials of potions, a stuffed toy, a few wrapped gifts, a couple of quills, a dried rose, seemly random objects, that made tears stream down Harry's face.

There was a letter for when he got his Hogwarts acceptance, for when he went on his first date, for "when he was feeling sick" when "he missed them" when he was having a bad day, and so many others.

By now his face was covered in tears, and snot and his breath came in ragged spurts. Just looking at her handwriting did this to him.

He sat there for perhaps an hour, just crying, and touching the letters, and smelling them and just missing _them_. Finally, he opened a letter entitled "the first of them all"

_Dear Harry, _

_If I am correct, and I we are dead, let the first thing I say to be; I love you. _

That was as far as Harry got, if he thought he had been weeping before, it was nothing like this. This hurt, this was him screaming, like his insides had been ripped out, like his world had collapsed.

It was good, he had never really had any one tell him that before. But it was too good, and he finally really understood what Severus had been talking about when he said; take it slow.

Next time, he would take his advise.

He didn't come back to the common room until much later, and even then, he walked like a zombie, only dimly aware of the rest of the world.

"Harry!" Hermione said. "are you all right?" where have you bean?" "you haven't been with Snape the whole time have you mate?" Ron chimed in.

Harry shook his head and started towards the boys dormitory, Hermione and Ron in hot pursuit. "Harry, what's in the box?" Hermione asked. "Don't." Harry said. "please." His breath caught in his throat and he hoped to god they wouldn't pick up on it. "I just- leave me alone. I'll talk to you later." And with that he almost ran up the stairs.

It didn't take long for him to be followed by dean and Neville, who were in high spirits, Harry didn't try and find out why. He just wanted to get into bed as quickly as possible. But when dean reached out to the box, which was lying on Harry's night stand, and asked "What's this Harry?" he couldn't help it. He threw the most painful stinging curse he could and yelled; "fucking back off. ALL OF YOU" Lilly was the last person to touch some of those letters and it was going to stay that way. And with that he threw himself into bed, exhausted.


	2. Harry's secret

_Thanks so much for the reviews guys, in fact I got so many good ones I decided to update a lot earlier than expected! Please write more!_

The next day, everyone in Gryffindor was pissed at him. Everyone. He had tried apologising, but that didn't seam to cut it. He was going to have to give them an explanation.

They were all sitting down at breakfast and even Hermione was blanking him. "I'm sorry." He said again. No one responded. "it's just…in the box. Were letters. From my mum." For a second everyone gaped at him, before there was an explosion of "what?" and "but she's dead-" and "you can't be serious!"

"I really am sorry, I just…i-" Harry tired again.

"it's okay." Dean finally said. "I guess it is kind of understandable. I didn't know."

"but harry." Hermione chimed in. "how?" Harry took a deep breath, and tried to explain it all as quickly as possible. "apparently she knew some of what was going to happened, and so she made this box for me and gave it to professor Snape to give to me." "wow." Someone said finally.

"so...how are you?" Neville asked. To be honest, he felt like shit and having the whole house stare at him wasn't helping. "I'm-" he was about to say fine, but thought about it for a second. If he were to tell them how bad he did feel they might lay off of him for a while. And he needed that.

"awful. To be honest. I know it should be a good thing. And it is. But its still…" He broke off not really sure what to say. They all just continued to stare at him.

"yeah. i..think I'm going to go now. And I really am sorry." And with that he left the hall.

That whole weekend flew by him, he didn't really do anything apart from look at the letters, he didn't open any more, he just looked. It was so strange, he normally felt empty and cold, and that was still how he felt most of the time, but it was being punctured with grief, loss and pain, and to be honest, it almost made him feel a bit sea sick.

And although he didn't open any of the big letters, he did look at some of the objects. The rose in particular. It was a single red rose with a note tied around it that read;

_Dear Harry, this is the rose your father gave me on our first date! He took me to a beach, we had a picnic somehow he managed to talk professor Slughorn into it. Anyway, he gave me the rose, and played Frank Sanatra. We had champagne and walked along the beach barefoot together. I feel in love with him then, and now I love him just as much, if not more. I want you to know we have a very loving relationship. _

_Love you, mum_

God, wow. His heart did funny things when he looked in the box, and reading that one in particular. It sort of felt like it was expanding, and made him shake softly. He had been given such a small gift, a short letter, but it made him ache. They felt closer now, even though he knew they weren't really.

His parents sounded really sweet. He smiled, thinking his father sounded very dapper. But then he sighed.

There were a couple of things he needed to talk to Snape about. For one thing there was a letter in here to him. A letter for Severus, in Harry's box. Which Harry felt extremely possessive about. But there were also letters to Petagrew and siri, and what was he meant to do with those?

Grudgingly, he stated to write a letter of his own. It was what his mother wanted and he didn't feel he could not give snape his letter. Even though it felt a bit unfair, at least Snape had got to talk to her.

_Dear Professor Snape, _

_I was wondering if I could talk to you concerning some of the contents of the box, I would very much appreciate it. _

_Harry Potter_

Harry looked it over, deciding that it sounded remarkably mature and civil, but maybe he just didn't want to fight any more.

He received a reply later that day, equally civil and curt, inviting him to come down to Severus's quarters after dinner that night.

He ate his dinner nervously, looking at the teachers table every five minutes, trying to gauge what mood Severus was in.

Finally, Severus left, and after a few minutes, Harry followed. He knocked three times before being bid to come in to his professors private rooms. "As much as I loathe having you here I can't imagine it would be easy to do this in my office, and my class room simply wouldn't do." Severus said, warily watching his student.

Harry was grateful that he was here, he was feeling particularly raw, and the potions office, with its slimy things in jaws always nauseated Harry on the best of days.

"Thank you professor." He sat down gingerly on an old, but nice looking black chair.

"sit down why don't you?" Severus asked sarcastically. "sorry." Harry blurted out, jumping up. Severus just rolled his eyes and motioned for Harry to sit down again.

"now." Severus said, sitting down on the green velvet couch. This too looked old, but in a tasteful, antique way. It was embroidered with a criss-cross pattern of silver and had the softest looking pillows Harry had ever seen.

"what did you want to talk about?" Severus demanded. Harry sat up a bit straighter and answered the best he could. "well, a few things, if that's all right. Firstly, there was a letter, addressed to you." Severus rose his eye brow, the only indication that he was surprised.

"um, but there was also one to Petigrew, and…my god father." For some reason, Harry didn't really want to say his name out loud to Severus, as if it would anger him. When Severus didn't say anything, Harry continued. "and I don't know what I should do with them."

There was another pause and then Severus finally spoke. "well, I don't think anyone would care if you read them. And they might be the easiest for you to start out with. Have you…got very far yet?"

"no sir, i…decided to take your advice. I'm going slowly." From the faint blush on Harry's cheeks, Severus could deduce the real story.

"well, you may want to start there. Although I will have mine." "of course, sir" Harry said, pulling it out of his robes and handing it to him.

Severus took it and looked at him, clearly waiting for the next, carefully planned out question of Harry's. There wasn't one. He just awkwardly looked back.

"so um yeah…" Obviously that was Harry. "oh wait no." Severus just looked at him with a half amused half exasperated expression on his face. "um…do you know why…why there are no letters from my dad there?"

Severus shifted and pursed his lips, and harry immediately regretted the question. For some reason he didn't want to piss Snape off too much. Probably because he knew he would have more questions later. But Harry wasn't to know that it was just discomfort playing across snapes face, and not anger.

"Well, he was not a religious man at all, in direct contrast with your mother. He didn't believe her when she told him what would happen, and didn't endorse what he thought was "senseless worrying" on her part. But I believe that there is at least one letter from him." Harry nodded, feeling relived, not realising until now how afraid he was that he father hadn't written because he blamed harry. Which was stupid, he knew, but…

"what religion was she?" For the first time Severus looked truly surprised. "Well, there is really only one religion in the magical world. There are different strains, and different cultures have different takes, but…we just call it "the old ways"." Harry blushed, feeling guilty, feeling he should have known that already.

"isnt that a bit odd?" he asked after a moment. "that she, the muggle, followed the wizarding religion, and he, the pure blood, was an atheist?"

Severus smiled softly, and Harry's utter amazement must of shown because then Severus looked away and chuckled, almost at Harry, almost with him.

" I believe that at first Lilly was interested in the old ways because…his family was. I know that she felt that she had to impress them, convince them that she really was a witch."

"but…they were okay with muggles right? I mean they were Gryffindors!"

Severus rolled his eyes. "yes. They didn't have anything against them, but they certainly didn't expect their son to marry one. And yes they got over it eventually, when you were born really, but there was…friction. At the start."

Harry nodded, feeling like he had been whacked in the chest. This friction didn't fit in with the fairy tale image he had of his family.

"Thank you professor." He said, rising. He felt like he had learnt enough for today. "yes. Well." Severus said, almost awkwardly. "if you have any other questions…perhaps I can answer them." It was as close as Harry was going to get to an invitation and they both knew it.

But Severus didn't expect him to come back so soon, only three days later.

Harry was back in the same chair as before, just as uncomfortable, but more hopeful.

" I havnt looked at any more letters yet." He confessed. "more?" Severus asked. "i..started one." And that blush was back on his cheeks. "didn't finish. I feel like I should know more about them, before I read such...intimate things." "very well." Severus said. Again, he waited for Harry to say more.

"so...um, what were they like?" Severus looked at him searchingly before declaring; "your father was an argent, conceded, prick." Immediately harry jumped up, anger at severus's words and a strange feeling of betrayal running though him "no he wasn't, if anything you-"

"Mr. Potter sit down." Severus snapped. "This is my point exactly, if you cant trust what I have to say then there's no point in my talking to you. Black and Remus were just as biased as I am, only in the other direction. If you're just going to ignore what I say, get out."

Harry blushed and looked at the floor. He was right, Harry was just going to have to trust him. Wich was going to be fucking weird "Sorry sir." Severus leaned back, rubbing his forehead. "why don't we start with your mother?" "yes, sir." Harry said. "so, how old were they? Or, well, was she?" "Well…she was 17 when she died, so he must have been…18, maybe 19."

"she was young!" Harry said in surprise. Another thing that wasn't the ways he expected it to be. "Mhm. And you were over a year old when she died." "that's…young for her to have a child I mean. Um, okay. So what...did she like, what did she do?"

"she was lovely. Everyone thought so, although she could really whip James when he wanted to. She…was a dancer of sorts, but she couldn't exactly preform when she was in hiding. She was very artistic, and as I said, religious." Harry dearly wanted to ask more about the religion, but he had Severus talking, and he was afraid of interrupting him. "She loved charms. The house was filled with nicknacks that she had enchanted to do silly things." Harrys throat tightened. "she…hated honey? Oh I don't know what else to tell you. Oh and she loved cats. Had a black and white cat called Zazzy. Allthough, she was just a kitten back then. She's getting old now"

"So she's still around?" "Yes. Your mother gave her to me the day before the attack. Another thing James wasn't at all happy about. Made me promise to give her back if it hadn't happened in a month."

"Do you…still have her?" Severus heard the unspoken request loud and clear and got up, disappearing into a door Harry hadn't noticed before.

Harry took the opportunity to have a quick look around, checking out the huge book case that lined one wall and the ornate fireplace, elegantly engraved with snakes. There was also a coffee table, which looked so impressive that Harry would have been afraid to put anything on it.

"I should have known the moment I left the room you would start snooping around." Harry blushed, harder than ever before. "Sorry professor." He scuttled back to his chair and caught a glimpse of a rare smile on Severus's face.

"Zazzy is out, probably hunting. And let me assure you that I did not chose that name for her."

"who did then?" Harry asked.

"Well…you actually. It was one of the few words you could say. I think your parents wanted to call her mittens, but you insisted." Harry smiled, but god dam it, even that hurt a little.

It must have shown because Severus sighed exasperatedly, but asked, in a surprisingly kind voice, if he was all right. "Yes..i just…i…" Harry buried his face in his hands, the first sign of distress he had shown in Severus presence. He took a deep breath and rested his chin on his fist, finally saying what he wanted to say ever since he was first given the box.

"I don't know if I want to know." He felt so guilty, but, this hurt just so much.

Severus nodded as if he had been expecting it. "that's understandable. It's relatively easy to love someone that's here, especially if you think they are going to stick around. To love someone you're never going to see again, at least not in this life is…tough." But this confused Harry more.

"I thought…I thought that I should be feeling so happy and grateful and everything. Everyone else seems to think it's such a great thing."

"Well. In a way, it probably is. But," and he said this very slowly, as if thinking it though carefully. "by reading those letters, you're deciding to build a relationship with them. And then, after that, it will be a different kind of loss that you have."

Harry smiled sadly. Yeah, once again his professor was right. And that helped, strangely, just having someone else acknowledge that it was tough.

Again, he thanks he professor profusely, and left.


	3. subtext

Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad you guys are liking it so much, they really help motivate me!

It did hurt, to read the letters, to get to know them. And he wasn't sure he wanted to. But he somehow couldn't imagine not doing it. It would be ungrateful to his parents, and it would just be…silly to chicken out. And so, he opened the first letter and began to read.

Dear Harry,

If I am correct, and I we are dead, let the first thing I say to be; I love you. Please know that I always have and always will. I don't know when or how these letters will fall in to your hands, but I know you have dark times ahead of you. But don't let that scare you Harry, there is light in even the darkest places, and I will do everything I can to guide you.

But I didn't write this to be depressing Harry! I wanted to say hi. And to tell you to work hard in school, especially if you have Severus as a professor! He's only 16 now, still in school, but I have a feeling I know where he will end up. A born academic that one. You're father's laughing behind me now Harry, saying that he gives you complete permission to slack off, prank and generally annoy Severus as much as possible. Well I don't!

Of course I want you to have fun, but he's a good man, prank someone else!

Anyway, I pray to the lord and lady that you are well. This is the first of many letters Harry, and I don't want to ovserwhelm you in this one.

We love you! Xoxoxox 3 Lilly (and James, even though he still hasn't agreed to write, yet!)

He…wow. They sounded so playful, so calm, how could she write like that if she knew she was going to die? Harry stroked the page reverently, trying to feel his parents as much as possible. He took a few shaky breaths and whispered a soft; "I love you too." It was then that tears started to fall in earnest.

It was only later, as he was wondering where this parents had been when she wrote that, that he remembered he had wanted to start with the letters to the other people. Almost shyly, he opened the one to petigrew, figuring it would be the easiest.

Hello there, I know that I have perhaps not been all together fair to you and for that I am sorry. I know you have been a loyal friend to James all these years, and I was wrong to judge you so harshly. Please, after the war, take care of Harry, along with lupin, and Siri, and maybe even Severus. I know you don't get along, but maybe for Harry's sake you can try? Anyway, I just wanted to apologise. And to wish you a good, full and happy life.

Fair well,

Lilly

Harry's blood boiled. So kind a woman, so forgiving, so…GOD HE WANTED T O SCREAM. A moment ago he was lost in grief and now he just wanted to hit something. Jesus Christ, fucking scum, bloody petigrew.

His bad mood followed him, and when Hermione interrupted his thoughts at dinner, he just snapped at her, but she smiled right back.

"What are you smiling at?" He sneered. "You're getting better." She said simply. "What?" Harry demanded. "You are." She said, and even Ron nodded though his mouth full of food. "for the last few weeks you have been. All this summer, ever since…well, ever since the end of the war. You've been so out of it Harry, so…nonresponsive. Comatose, even. At least now you have the energy to be a bit of a prat. Anyway. You're getting better. And now I am going to the library." She picked up her book bag and left. "Am I really?" Harry asked Ron, who, when he had swallowed said; "Well, I guess. To be honest mate you have been a bit of a git recently. But Hermione says that's just, you know, part of the grieving process, and that you'll get over it."

Harry nodded for a moment and then said, without an ounce of sarcasm; "Well, Hermione's always right so she would know."

Ron nodded too.

Later that weekend, Harry was again moody. Shit I've got a lot to deal with Harry thought as he left the quiddich changing rooms. Now, it wasn't normally Harry's style to do the whole self-pity thing, but really? He gets these letters from his parents, which he loved and would never give up, but at the same time as he was grieving siri and lupin and so many people from the war, and he has to deal with all THAT grief , as well as- he blushed, his inner rant coming to a standstill.

His solution was to think the words, really, really quietly.

I might be gay.

Fuck, you know, and how was he supposed to deal with THAT? He blushed (yes, again) thinking of how perfect Robinson's, (his new beater) arse was. He sighed. He wanted that arse, like he had never wanted any woman before. Somewhere in Harry knew that he was gay, but something a little stronger kept him in denial, just a little longer.

He had dated Ginny before. And I totally, "got it up for her". And I thought Cho was pretty. SO I'm not gay. Maybe I'm just more of an arse man than a tit man. That's fine…doesn't mean im gay.

He felt like a wimp, but his sex life was defiantly on hold anyway, so it wasn't up there on his list of priorities anyway. Time went on as it does, he read Lupin's letter, he read a few more, each making him feel that addictive mix of pain and pleasure. What was also hurting was that, maybe, until now, he hadn't really loved them.

And that hurt, but not the same stabbing, tear your eyes out hurt, but the melancholy, wont go away hurt.

How could he have loved them if he didn't really know them? But then, he didn't really know them now, and he knew he loved them so deeply, and missed them so keenly.

September turned to October, and Harry saw his potions professor a few more times, getting more and more comfortable with him. But it wasn't until he read a letter from Lilly entitled "for when you need a little extra courge." That he desperately felt the urge to talk to someone again.

Darling Harry,

So if you've opened this one, you must need some courage. There are so many things you could need it for and I wish I could know exact details. But know that you, my son, are a wonderful person, and I truly believe in fate and the power of the universe, which will never throw anything at you that you can't handle. If it's a personal problem, about a girl or a boy, or if you're just confused, or so many other things, just take a deep breath. In and out. It's going to be okay. Now, if your standing, sit down, if your inside, go out side. I like to sit where I can see the forbidden forest and the lake, under the chestnut tree.

That's exactly where Harry went.

Now, feel the earth below and the sky above. If you've never done this before, that's a strange thing to ask. But try. Don't just know that they are there, feel it. And now, feel that there is water here too. In the earth, or if you can see the great lake, or in the snow maybe. It's there. And there's fire too. Maybe it's inside of you because you're angry, the sun perhaps, or maybe the castle is lit up with candles. Feel it all Harry, the great presence of everything. And breathe it in, and breathe your fear and your anger and your hurt out. Let the earth take it, she can. Don't rush. And when that pain is all gone, then see how you feel. Not how the world feels, or your friends or enemies. But you.

You are loved, and kind, you are smart and brave, and whatever is in your path, you can handle.

Love,

Mum

Again, he cried, but this time his smile reached his eyes too, and he felt….connected to her in a way that he had never felt before. He felt still and calm and safe, which was such a gift to Harry. He didn't know it, but he had just magically grounded himself.

He would do this a lot, particularly in the coming weeks. Hermione would smile and once whispered to Ron; "See? He's so much less snappy. He's healing, slowly. He may not be all better, but he's getting there."

It was after one of these meditations, that Harry felt it, felt himself accepting himself. He was gay, and he knew it, and all though it sounded crazy, he thought that maybe his mum knew it too, where ever she was.

But just because he was okay with it, didn't mean everyone else was. He knew to what degree it was acceptable in the muggle world, but not in the wizzarding world. Which bothered him a lot. He had been a wizard for so long now, but he didn't know so much…he felt, again, like he had failed at something.

One day, as Ron and he were walking up from a quiddich practice, Harry tried to subtly bring the subject up. "so… I still think there's a lot about the wizard world I don't know."

"yeah?" Ron said.

Harry took a deep breath, feeling very nervous. He wondered if he should try and ease in it the subject more, but it was too late now. "Like…you know…umm I don't know much about the religion. Or…about how accepting they are to uh you know. Gay people."

Ron just laughed. "Mate, don't think I didn't pick up on that. I'm not that obtuse any more. You have Hermione to thank for that. If you're gay-"

"I- I didn't say I was- I just, er..."

"Look, I don't have a problem with it. Hardly anyone does any more. Some pure bloods do, but that's just because they are worried about keeping their family lines going, you know?" Harry nodded, hugely relived and ever so grateful to have Ron as a mate.

"You wont you know, say anything right?" "right." Ron answered. " And you know what, I do blame Hermione for making you better at subtext, I so would have gotten away with that last year."

Ron just laughed.


	4. Blood

_So thanks for all the reviews guys! I'm going to Dublin and then London for a few weeks, so I thought I would update everything before I go! And really thanks to everyone that has read. Hope you enjoy_

"Thank you for seeing me again professor." Harry said, being extra-polite, he had something important to ask today. Really important.

"It's all right Harry." Harry couldn't help but smile. Occasionally, Snape did call him that. And although Harry had never called him Severus, it was nice to know that he was on better terms with the man his mum had trusted so highly. He wandered over to his usual chair and sat, feeling a little nervous. Severus was usually nice to him when they were like this, but not always.

"would you like a drink?" Well that was new. "Yes, please, sir." Severus frowned slightly all though Harry had no idea why. If he hadn't wanted Harry to say yes, why did he offer?

_It was a bit ironic_, Severus thought, he had tried for years to get the brat to call him sir, and now that…well, now that he didn't mind so much, Harry absolutely insisted on it. He had hoped Harry would get the hint when Severus called him by his first name, but apparently not. He could be really thick sometimes.

The thing about Severus was that he really didn't let people in. Ever. But when he did, he had a hard time not getting attached. He had spent more personal time with Harry in the last few months than he ever had with his colleagues, and he had known them for years. He kinda liked it…the truth was he was lonely.

"tea all right?" he asked. Harry nodded, a bit too afraid of mucking anything up to say that he didn't really like tea.

The thing was, Severus desperately wanted to move off of the subject of Harry's parents, but he was just so bad at small talk. Severus gave him the tea and sat down on the couch, resigned to digging up the past again.

"would…my parents have been okay…" he cleared his throat. "With me being gay?" An odd mix of emotions ran though Severus. Pity, as well as hope that they would fucking move on subject wise, and a sort of camaraderie, Severus was gay too, and maybe something else, he didn't have time to look too closy.

"well…you're mother would be. Um, she would be okay with it. Defiantly." He took a sip of his tea. "and my father?" Harry asked eagerly. one out of two, that was good, maybe-

"well…he…okay, he hated me, he really did. And I'm gay, but I think he probably just took advantage of every little thing about me to…be horrible about really. Not to sound overly sensitive." For the first time Harry noticed a blush creeping it's way up Severus' neck.

"but…I know he cared about you. And I think he cared enough to change his mind."

Harry nodded, sighing. His father sounded…well, he didn't know really. Severus shifted.

"so…you're gay." God that sounded awkward even to Severus. "Yeah." Harry said, suddenly feeling extremely nervous. "I think at least…I mean it's not like I've done anything. You know with any one. Any one else I mean. I mean I've done things but not like thing, things You know, yeah…" Harry was so red in the face by the time he was done, Severus almost chuckled. Oh to be that young and innocent...

"it's all right, god I remember when I came out for the first time, that was tough." After a pause Harry finally got the guts up to ask; "what happened?" Severus licked his lips, he was glad they were off the subject of the past, but this wasn't really what he had in mind…but it was better than nothing.

"oh god. Well it probably wasn't that bad but it felt pretty awful at the time. There was a boy in the year above me. I very much thought he was gay. Asked him out, gave him some long rambling speech about how I liked him. Turns out he wasn't at all gay. Punched me in the face and told the whole school about it."

"ouch." Harry said, wincing. " I can't even imagine asking another bloke out. I mean how does that even work in gay relationships?" This time Severus really did laugh. Harry had a nack for making him laugh or smile and he was doing it more and more.

"it…can be tough, yeah. It really depends on the gay community where ever you are. Some are really open and stuff, but others, like here. Well there isn't one here, at all, so it's really rare when it happens. You kind of just have to feel it out."

"oh. Great." Harry said, voice thick with sarcasm.

But Severus suddenly jumped up, a stream of curses falling from his lips. There was a gulf of purple smoke coming out from under the door to his office.

"wait here a moment." And he disappeared into the room. When he came out, he looked ready to kill. "fucking thing." He hissed. "What is it?" Harry asked, making Severus jump, as if he had forgotten Harry was still there, he took a few deep breaths and sighed.

"a potion. I'm trying to create a cure for AIDS, I've been working on it for years and this particular version for months. And I've just ruined it." He threw himself back on the couch and ran his hand threw his hair, making him look…so different. Not his professor. But…just a great guy.

But severus was still talking. "the problem is I know exactly what I need, in theory, it's just that the ingredients are honestly impossible to get."

"what do you need?"

"Basilisk blood." Severus sighed again and looked utterly dejected. "And they go for literally millions of galleons per vial, there's no way I can afford that-"

"I, however, know where there is some going, for free. I think." Harry said, smirking.

"what? You cant." Severus, despite his protests, looked as if his dreams might have come true.

"well…i might." Harry offered, suddenly worried that it might not be there or anything.

"explain." Severus ordered.

"it's a long story." Harry warned. "Explain." Severus repeated, not in the mood to faff around.

"Okay, but…it's very long. And…I don't know how to say this…but…I may have broken….a rule or two. Maybe." And the look Harry shot Severus was so teasingly innocent, so sweetly naughty that Severus felt like he was being physically being pulled closer to Harry.

But he wasn't and instead he just rolled his eyes and fought back a smile. Harry defiantly noticed. "Tell me." Severus just had to know.

"oh come on. You know it wasn't just me, if I tell you, you can't, you know take revenge on anyone. And there is one thing you will be…pretty pissed about. I do need total immunity for myself AND others involved. Think of it as the price for the blood."

Severus bit his lip. Was he really willing to do that? Really willing to totally pardon everything and anything Harry told him? It was either a mark of how much he wanted the blood or how much he liked Harry, Severus didn't want to think about which one it was, but finally he said; "all right then."

And with that Harry launched in to the story of him and the chamber of secrets. At first Harry tried to cut corners, but the story was so interwoven that that just didn't work, and Severus wanted to know the full story anyway.

He told Severus about dobby, about the flying car, the voice in the walls, moaning myrtle, and finally he came up to the part he was really dreading;

"And so, obviously, we thought it was Draco Malfoy that was the heir of slytherin, and attacking everyone, but we needed to be sure. So, we thought it would be best to make some…polyjuice potion-"

"where did you get the instructions? And the ingredients?" Severus interrupted for the first time.

"well…Hermione conned Professor Lockhart in to getting a book out for her from the forbidden section."

"of course, he was a fool." Severus muttered.

"right. Well, we did that and figured out it wasn't him so-" Harry said, desperately wishing he could skate over the rest of it.

"hang on. Where did you get the ingredients?"

"you really want to know?" "yes." Severus said sternly. Harry took a deep breath and started. "you remember one class, where you fished out a firework out of some cauldron?"

There was a slight pause and then; "YOU STOLE FROM ME?" God this guy should be a detective, how did he figure it out? "you…figured it out then?" Severus looked like he was about to breathe fire. "you stole from me." He repeated, his whole body tense, hot anger raging through him. "I'm really sorry." Harry said, looking sincere. When Severus didn't respond he bit his lip and looked honestly repentant. Now that did something odd to Severus, sent another wave of heat though his body, which wasn't anger.

He took a few deep breaths and said "continue" "are you sure?" Harry asked. "it isn't going to get any better…"

"good god Potter, what have you been doing?"

He deicide to just jump right into it. "well, we took the polyjuice and snuck in to slytherin common room."

Severus gaped at him. "you just have NO respect for rules do you? None at all? You…good god. I have no idea how you continue to surprise me, but you do."

Harry grinned cheekily. Severus gave in.

By the time Harry finished the entire tale it was well past midnight and he was flagging.

"You know what? I don't actually believe you. That's just too impossible. You battled a basilisk? You went into the forbidden forest? In your second year? And you lived?" Severus said.

Harry couldn't help but crack a smile. " I should so be dead. I know. And that was just one year, god I should tell you about my fifth year sometime, that was really insane. And how siri got away in my third year. Totally crazy."

Severus just looked at him as if he had grown an extra head.

"But as I keep saying, I really have had a lot of help along the way." Harry blushed and looked at his feet. "especially from you actually. I-I know that I've never thanked you, and I should have. You've done a lot for me." Severus had no idea what to say and so said nothing. No one had ever really said that to him, and so he didn't really think that he deserved it. It made him feel a bit awkward, but it also made him like Harry just a little bit more.

Harry broke the silence. "I'm so exhausted. I'll show you in the morning, yeah?" Harry offered. "what? No, now." Severus pouted, actually pouted. It was…pretty convincing actually. "well, all right then."


	5. lost it

_Hey guys, back from Dublin and it was lovey. Still have some really important auditions coming up though, yikes! Anyways, enjoy! _

"my god. You were serious!" Severus and Harry had just arrived in the chamber of secrets, and Severus looked like a little kid, so excited to see…well a corpse to be honest, but Harry wasn't going to focus on that bit. "it's not too old or anything?" Harry asked. "no, no, it will keep for hundreds of years." Severus kneeled beside the thing and grinned, a huge grin that lit up his face. For some reason, Harry mimicked it.

Severus emptied his pockets, vials and other potion-y things falling over the floor. He started gathering blood immediately. He was engrossed in his task, but Harry just stood there, unsure of what to do.

After a pause He awkwardly sat on the ground next to Severus, who didn't look up, and it wasn't until Harry was almost asleep, his head lolling against the basilisk that Severus noticed how tired he was.

"oh, you don't have to stay, I just need to-" " I kind of do actually. To get out of here you need to talk to the portraits. Meaning you need to know parcel mouth. "

"oh." Severus said, knowing that the polite thing would be to leave and thank harry profusely, but he just couldn't. He wanted more time, he needed it.

"unless…do you want to spend the night? There are a lot more rooms attached to this hall, and they are in a lot better condition. Actually, there's Salazar Slytherins personal library and position lab down here as well, which you should have a look at some time."

Severus' jaw actually dropped. "Are you serious? Really? Show me"

Harry let out a strange strangled noise, he was really tired. "umm…how about I show you tomorrow. You…stay with your snake."

Severus nodded, looking, to Harry, as cold as he all ways seemed, but on the inside, he was just so excited! Severus really loved potions.

Harry quickly gave him instructions to one of the guest suites in the chamber and bid him good night, seriously glad to get to bed.

The next morning, he woke up way sooner than he originally intended.

Someone was shaking his shoulder and hissing "Potter, get up." In to his ear. "what?" he mumbled in to his pillow.

"it's past seven." The person scolded "wake me up when it's past noon." In his hazy, half asleep state, he figured that the person was Ron, being an idiot.

"but we both have class, you may be able to skip but I cant. Get up." Harry shifted, the sheets falling down a little, and Severus was suddenly very aware that his student was topless, at the very least.

Harry groaned and was pulled even future in to the land of consciousness. "but, yesterday was Friday. Today is Saturday. No one has classes."

Severus paused, feeling humiliated. His student was right. This was actually something he did on a regular basis, up to now it had only been his colleagues that noticed this…slip up on his account.

He fled the room. Harry happily slept till noon.

Unfortunately for Severus, he really couldn't get out without seeing Harry. He tried and failed. So he spent his time working on the baskalisk, angrily hacking away at it.

This, in Severus' opinion, was what happened when teachers became friendly with students. Humiliation, confusion and upset. And he saw his student topless, which was just strange.

God he felt so stupid. He just wasn't good with stuff like that. Normal stuff. He was a genius at academics. And potions. And the dark arts and transfiguration and things. But not with every day stuff like knowing what day it was or handling money. Or making toast. He just couldn't do it.

"morning." Said a far too cheerful voice behind him. "I think Potter, that you will find it is the afternoon." He said in his coldest voice.

"oh," Harry said, taken aback. " yeah." He finished lamely. "I take it you want to leave? You could stay for breakfast, or lunch, really…"

"No, Potter I have no desire to be imprisoned in this underground vault any longer, especially with you."

Well, what did Harry expect, really? He was a little saddened by that last remark but not surprised. Harry led Severus to an alternate exit, a large portrait of a man brewing a potion in a forest, an adder at his side. They had a brief conversation, there was no password per se, you just had to know parsletounge, and as Harry was the only known person in the world to speak it, it was a pretty secure system.

Harry shut the door behind him and wondered back into the kitchen. He really liked it here. It was unusually formal for his tastes, but thankfully it wasn't too slytherin-y. It had a few bedrooms, batherooms and kitchens, and this amazing conservatory, he had no idea how these plants had lived with out food, water or sunlight but they seemed to be in remarkable condition. There was also a library and potions lab he told Severus about. The dead snake was in what Harry assumed to be a great hall sort of thing.

Harry sighed and sat down at the breakfast table, feeling strangely lonely. He had never taken Ron or Hermione or anyone down here before, and now he had done and they were gone he was just a bit more aware of how empty it was. How echoy.

He made his way to the conservatory, via his room, where he kept his mother letters. He liked to bring them there and just be with them, as close to his mum as he ever could be. He often wondered what she would have thought of him being the heir of slytherin and everything. For some reason he felt like she would be okay with it, his dad, he wasn't so sure about. Which made him feel guilty in a way. He should trust that his dad would love him, and be accepting and everything….but he didn't.

Severus, meanwhile was in bliss. He had done it, really, really done it! The basalisk blood was perfect, all he had to do was wait a few moon cycles and he would have really cracked it. He took a few deep breaths and sternly told himself that he should not be celebrating, it wasn't done until it was done. But really, Severus knew he had cracked it.

But in a way, that wasn't a great thing for him. Now he had successfully completed his master piece of a potion, he didn't have any other problems to work on, no mysteries to crack nothing for his mind to obsess about. He needed that, without it he felt cast adrift.

Harry hadn't been to see him in the few weeks since Severus had got the blood. He didn't miss him, because he saw him in the halls or in lessons pretty much every day. But, he was a presence once known in Severus's rooms. And he was now gone and it was noted. That was how Severus decided to think about it. Because it would be strange to miss a student…

And besides ever since Harry had told him about his adventures in the second year, Severus had started to see him in a different light. But it didn't look like Harry was in any rush to talk to him, so if Severus wanted to see him, he was going to have to ask himself.

_I'm only lonely because of my work, _Severus told himself. _I'm always like this after a major project is finished. They become like real people to me, the potions, it would be stupid to pine after Potter in some ill attempt to fill some nonexistent gap._

But as the first day of December dawned, Severus was feeling suprisingly whimsical and just decided to get it over with;

_Mr. Potter, he wrote_

_I was wondering if you would mind my examining the library that you mentioned to me, it could be very useful in my work._

_Regards, _

_Professor S. Snape _

Harry Potter was just polishing off a herbology report in the Gryffindor common room when Severus's owl flew in, dropping the letter on him before speeding out again. "whose it from Harry?" Hermione inquired.

"oh just Severus." Harry mumbled back to her. Her and Ron exchanged a look. "That's…nice." She said finally. "What?" Harry said, looking up.

"Well…I just…didn't know you were on first name terms with him." She said delicately

"and mate, when you get a letter from Snape of all people, it's never "just" him." Ron added.

"I'm not on first name terms with him." Harry protested. When Hermione gave him a look he added; "Well not to his face anyway. He calls me Harry sometimes though."

"okay." She said, looking dubious. "what?" Harry demanded again. "nothing. Nothing at all, I think it's healthy your letting go of your anger towards him." And that was all she had to say on the subject.

Harry arranged to meet him on the nearest Friday, and they went down into the chamber in silence. Severus was not a man for idle chitchat.

But finally Harry broke the silence, discussing the various rooms in the chamber.

"A conservatory?" Severus asked. "are any of the plants still alive?"

Harry nodded, "most of them by the looks of it." "how?" Severus asked, Once again taken aback by the shear absurdity of Harry Potter.

"dunno." He said casually. "let me show you." And he lead Severus into the correct chamber.

"This is amazing." Severus said, it was a vast room with huge beds of plants and a waterfall dominating the room. It was a grand room, like everywhere else in the chambers, but this was so teaming with life, so wonderfully colorful…

The light in the room seemed to becoming from this waterfall, filling it with an almost ethereal glow. There were plants that the wizarding world had long thought extinct, that Severus had only seen in illustrations in books, and some he hadn't even seen then. He approached the large circular bed in the middle and knelt down to examine a blue flower, which spun slowly despite the absence of wind.

"This is amazing" Severus breathed. Harry opened his mouth to say something but before he could, a booming voice made them all jump. "glad you like it! High time someone appreciated it." Severus spun around to see a stone statue of a tall woman, walking though the bushes on the other side of the room.

"I am Stella slytherin." She said by way of greeting. "Salizar's sister, and these are my gardens, welcome Severus. I knew you would come." She smiled at him. "Thank you, Lady Slytherin." He said, bowing his head. "No need Severus, no need. Call me Stella. And enjoy my gardens. Harry doesn't seem to be a fan." Severus looked around at Harry, amazed that anyone could not love it here, not take a liking to this woman, even if she were made of stone.

"I come in here sometimes." Harry mumbled. "indeed." She said. " Harry, why don't you make your professor a cup of tea, I have a feeling he wishes to linger in the garden."

Harry did so, amazed that there were more secrets in these chambers, he had never seen that woman in his life before.

Meanwhile Stella explained everything to Severus. The garden was an extremely magical one, needing no air or real sunlight, it fed on magic alone. Plants did die of course, but they were magically taken back in to the soil, growing back almost instantly to their peak.

Severus was overcome with awe, to be talking with this woman, to be here at all… and he still had the library to look at, and the lab…

He got up and wandered over to a stone bench, the sound of the waterfall soothing and the light just right. God what he would do to stay here forever. For a moment, he forgot himself and relaxed, leaning back. But he knocked against something. Harry's box. It fell to ground and scattered, letters and things going everywhere. Severus swore under his breath, aware of how protective of these things Harry must be.

His heart actually skipped a beat when he saw how close to the waterfall some of them had gone. There was a gentle spray coming out and some of them were getting damp. Heart hammering he gathered them as quickly as possible, leaving them, for now, on top one of the flower beds. When they were in all one general place, Severus let out a sigh and turned to where he had placed them.

But…there was a rose bush there. One that hadn't been there a moment ago. The letters were again scattered, although not so far. On one of the rose stems was a note. From Lilly. Severus gasped, putting two and two together. He had vaguely remembered picking up a dried rose and Stella had said that any dead plants on this soil was be taken back into the earth, and regrown, perfectly.

Meaning Harry's oh-so-treasured dried rose from his mother was gone, and in its place a common or garden rose bush.

Harry was going to be so pissed. Severus hastily put the letters back in the box and flew out of the room. He needed to get out before Harry saw what had happened. Otherwise he would be trapped down here with a very angry Harry, and although Severus certainly wasn't afraid, he would be trapped, and with someone who, though luck or judgment, did save the world…multiple times.

"Potter!" he demanded. "I have your tea sir-" "I do not care, you idiot boy, I wish to leave, now." Harry had no idea what was going on. Had he accidently insulted him or something?

"Um, okay." He said, "just let me put this down-" "what part of now don't you understand, or is a three letter word too difficult for you?" Harry felt anger build up in him, but forced it down again.

He stomped over to the portrait and let Severus out, utterly confused by it all.

After a few moments of cursing and trying to figure it all out, he went back to the conservatory, hoping to see Stella. "Ah, Harry." Yes, he found her. "Severus gone?" She asked with the air of someone who already knew the answer to her question.

"Yes…do you have any idea what he was so upset about?" Harry asked. "He didn't tell you then?" "No." Harry said, following her as she wondered down one of the paths. "Ah well, that's slytherins for you. Tend to run off, not a totally idiotic way of dealing with things, it's better to lose your pride than your head."

"Um, right." Harry said. She sat down on a stone bench, and he sat next to her, watching her intently.

"I believe he was afraid you would be angry at him." Stella said finally. "why?" Harry asked. By way of answer, Stella motioned to one of the plants. A rose bush. "Why-" Harry started. "Look closer." She said. Harry did. Tied around a stem was a stem was a piece of parchment, which Harry instantly opened, and recognized.

"This is- he touched my, but how-"

Harry sat there, gob smacked. He had lost the rose that his mother had kept so well. Lost it forever.


	6. Teach me

_So yeah, what do you think? Feel free to send me ideas and stuff, and tell me what you think is missing. Or if you don't like the addition of a certain slytherin…._

It took time, but eventually, Harry was okay with it all. He saw a sort of poetry in it, his mothers rose was born again now, a new, fresh plant. And he thought his mum wouldn't have minded either. He had spent so much time thinking about her recently, ashamed to notice that before, it had been his dad he had focused on. So proud to be called like his father, he now tried to have his mother's traits as well. He saw her as kind, and soft, and forgiving. Quick to laugh and very understanding.

Hermione and Ron certainly noticed the change in their friend. There were still times when he was overcome with a deep sadness that seemed to block everything out, that made him depressed, irritable, and needy all at all the same. But these were becoming fewer and fewer, and as Hermione said, it would take time.

Severus had certainly been acting oddly recently. He meant to be cool and indifferent, but really Harry could see he was feeling guilty. And that was helpful, not that Severus was in turmoil, but that he recognized his wrong doing.

So exactly a week later, Harry invited him back. Almost immediately after greeting him, Harry said; "it's okay about the rose by the way."

Severus looked amazed, but grateful. "t-thank you," he said finally "and I am sorry about that by the way. And about…leaving like that." He didn't look Harry in the eyes, but Harry knew he meant it.

"Thanks." He said, a smile bursting across his face. It meant a lot to him that Severus said that, he really hadn't been expecting it.

"so, I thought I could show you around first, I haven't given you a proper tour yet. I'll introduce you to the as paintings and things, tell them to let you move about in here as much as you like. You still need me to let you out, but apart from that you can go where you like."

Severus smiled at him, really _at_ him, which was a first, grateful both that Harry trusted him enough to do that and that he hadn't made a big deal about the rose. Harry smiled back.

So Harry took him around the chamber, which was bigger than Severus had suspected at first. It was really a wonderful place Harry had here. They didn't have any problems with the portraits agreeing to admit Severus until they came to the library. It started out the same way as the others, Harry chatting away in parsletounge, which, Severus had to admit was a fascinating language, he could listen to Harry talk in it all day…

But then he frowned and started to talk a bit more quickly, hissing unhappily. He said something that clearly upset the portrait, because the snake inhabitant slithered out of the frame, flicking his tail at Harry.

"sorry about that, um…might want to try that again another day." "what upset it?" Severus asked, looking more than a little disappointed.

Harry grinned sheepishly. " I um, got a bit shirty with her. Told her that I certainly was not going to make use of any of the dark arts or potions texts in there, so if she wanted them to be looked at ever again she should let you in. But she uh said that either I have to go in with you or teach you parsletounge."

"would you?" Severus asked, seriously looking like Christmas had come early. Harry smiled, he really hadn't been planning on it. But it was so rare to see Severus excited- well, actually, Harry took that back, everything here seem to excite him.

But still….he just couldn't say no.

"One condition however." Harry said, "After I've taught you, you can't teach anyone else."

Severus smirked, _cleaver_, he thought, _Harry wants to keep control of who has this knowledge_. "It's a deal. A rather slytherin deal, if I may say."

At this Harry just laughed. "well I am the heir after all. And I was almost sorted in to Slytherin."

"You cant be serious." Severus exclaimed.

"mhmm." Harry said, still grinning. "The sorting hat couldn't decide and so let me pick." And then Harry laughed again. "and to be honest the main reason I picked Gryffindor was because I met Draco Malfoy on the train and he said he would be in slytherin and I was like "no way do I want to be in the same house as you.""

"what?" Severus asked again, seriously amazed. "you're the quintessential Gryffindor." "yeah…" Harry said. "but, I can be pretty slytherin at times. People just don't pick up on it because they expect me to be all Gryffindor."

He chuckled at the look on Severus's face, and looked unashamedly up at him, green eyes sparkling. Finally after a moment Severus said; "and yet again Potter, you continue to surprise me."

"Harry please sir." And even Harry was suppressed at his boldness, but he went on. "At least when we're down here."

"Alright." Severus said looking away. "In that case call me Severus." Severus bit his bottom lip, trying not to show or feel his sudden nerves.

"Thanks." Harry said. And then, knowing that Severus wouldn't want to make a big deal of it, quickly added; "So, do you want me to start teaching you, or look around a bit?"

Again that oh so excited expression crossed his face, although he tried to hide it. " I don't mind, is this a good time for you?" "as good as any." Harry said, leading him in to the living room.

"although I've never taught anyone this before, so I don't know where to begin." He sat down on the couch and yawned, Severus sitting next to him.

"well when I learn languages I normally start with the alphabet, and the more basic sounds." Severus suggested. Harry vaguely realized that he had never been this close to him before.

"you know other languages?" Harry asked happily. But Severus looked a bit embarrassed. "yes. I know a few actually." When Harry looked inquiringly at him Severus begrudgingly added; "I have never had social skills, and so when I was a student I buried myself in work, learning languages was one of my passions back then. It really didn't help my social life at all." Sever could add about how badly bullied he had been at school, or about how he was constantly teased, or about how he still didn't really understand social rules, but he was far too ashamed to say anything of the sort.

"Well I think it's interesting. What do you know?"

"Well English obviously. Latin, although I guess that doesn't count since it's dead. I know French, Italian, Spanish, Polish and I know conversational Russian."

"That's amazing." Harry said. "I wish English wasn't my only language." Severus raised an eye brow and looked scornfully at him. "what?" Harry asked, worried that Severus thought he was trying to suck up.

"English isn't your only language, clearly, you also know parseltouge." Harry blushed and looked away, adding a sheepish; "Oh yeah."

Severus chuckled, he still enjoyed making Harry uncomfortable. "Allright." Harry said finally, "Lets start." And so they did.

Severus watched Harry hiss and almost artfully shape the sounds with his tongue. And then it hit him; he was watching his student's tongue. It moved gracefully between his lips, which Severus now noticed as well. They were plump and soft looking, and at the moment had a soft shine to them, probably due to Harry licking his lips so often. But his tongue flitted out again and Severus couldn't rip his eyes away...

Severus felt…good god he felt the need for that tongue in his moth so intensely that he felt the very ghost of it in his mouth. He was suddnly and achingly aware of the empty spaces inside of him…He imagined what it would be like to kiss Harry, he imagined it so intensely that his mouth watered, almost feeling Harry's tongue fighting to dominate his.

But Harry talked on, unaware; "…So I guess it's kind of a "th" sound, followed by a "sh" but you have to pout your lips…I guess sort of like you're about to kiss someone. So like this." And he demonstrated, slowly touching his tongue to his teeth and then his lips came together for the "sh", but then then they came out, as if waiting, begging to be kissed.

Severus shifted awkwardly. "you try." Harry said innocently. Severus did, but when he came to the end, they were so close and Harry was watching his lips so intently that for a moment Harry actually thought his professor was going to kiss him. Obviously he didn't. But it was enough for Harry to think that maybe they should stop for the night.

Severus slept horribly that night. Harry had kindly offered him a room for the night, and Severus accepted. But now he wished he hadn't. He sat up in the grand bed and looked out of the enchanted window. He had, in his entire life, one friend, and that was lilly. There were people that he knew he could sit with at meals without getting cursed, people he said a "hello" too. But…that was it.

For some reason he felt that loss keenly tonight. Probably because a part of him had started hoping again, hoping that Harry would perhaps… but that was insane. By Severus's standards they were spending a lot of time together. A lot. But by any normal person's calculations, they were far from it. And Harry was swimming in people that wanted to be around him, Severus saw no reason he would want to befriend his oily potions professor.

And god he felt pathetic, needily wishing that Harry would be his friend. He sounded like he was 15 all over again. And, Severus, reminded himself, it was important not to confuse feelings of friendship with feelings of lust. Just because he liked Harry didn't mean he wanted anything more than comrade…but Severus had a feeling that he did indeed want more than that. He sighed and turned over, feeling utterly dejected.

Harry wasn't feeling any less confused. When he had thought Severus was going to kiss him….he hadn't been upset or disgusted or anything… he had been surprised and to be honest a little excited. But then, Harry reasoned, maybe that just because it would be his first kiss with a guy. Yeah, harry was sure that was all. .

The next morning they had a nice, simple, and very pleasant breakfast together, before Severus left to work on his own potions and Harry went off to Quiddich practice.

He was just thinking about their upcoming match against ravenclaw when he bumped in to a certain blond slytherin. "Malfoy." He said coolly. To be fair, the slytherins were a lot better this year, and their animosity had calmed down allot. Didn't mean Harry had to like him though. "Potter." He replied. Harry tried to brush by, but no luck. " A word, if you please." Harry stopped and looked at him, waiting for this word, feeling sure that it wouldn't be anything nice.

"I am aware…" Draco started. And then he licked his lips. "That you are spending time with our dear potions professor. Now he would not thank me for interfering, but…may I just ask you to remember that although he…can be snarky, he does have feelings." Harry opened his mouth to say something but Draco held up a hand and continued. "he also, as you can probably guess, has next to no social skills. Consequently he has no friends. He only talks to me because I am his god son and I make him. This means that….his idea of spending a lot of time with someone and your idea will be vastly different. You may find he gets…attached. If he does, let him down gently, yeah?"

Harry nodded, surprised at Draco's affection for Severus, but then a thought struck him. "how do you know anyway? Do you talk about me?" Draco chuckled. That was new this year as well. Harry found it a bit off putting really.

"A bit. He told me he finally finished his cure for AIDS, I asked him where he got the blood. He told me it was from you. Since then you have been…mentioned."

"in a good way or bad way?" Harry asked instantly. Draco rolled his eyes. "mostly good. Although he did tell me about your wanting to be bilingual. And that you already are. We chuckled over that." Draco smirked broadly, but it faded after a moment. "but as I say…he may already be attached."

"Well yeah. Thanks for your concern but it's mutual." Harry said without thinking. Draco's eyes lit up. "really?" "yes, but please don't have any of your evil ideas concerning us." Harry said sharply. "Oh no not at all." Draco said, a look on his face that clearly said otherwise.

Harry groaned and walked away, leaving a smirking Draco behind him.


	7. Wine and Music

Thanks so much to every one that's read and especially if you've reviewed, it really does make me happy! Also, to anyone that's wondering, yes I have recently become obsessed with Frank Sinatra and his music is getting in to pretty much all of my stories. As ever, enjoy and review!

Not much else happened that weekend, well Harry came out as gay to Hermione, who assured Harry that she was totally okay with it, and in fact had known the entire time.

Actually he was just sitting down at the Gryffindor table with her, giggling about Malfoy's bum, which was very nice indeed. "even if the prat himself isn't." Harry said, when Harry had a thought. Maybe he could invite Severus to spend Christmas with him in the chambers.

It was only a week away, and his friends would be leaving tomorrow. He thought he should try, at least, and so he sent an invitation, more nervous than he felt he had a right to be.

Thankfully, Severus accepted and so after he said goodbye to his friends the next day, Harry set to work making the chambers as festive as possible. He got an actual tree from Stella, who he was now getting on with very well. When he asked why she hadn't talked to him earlier she said simply; "you always bought your letters with you, and so had eyes for nothing else." Pretty cryptic really, but that was Stella.

He decorated the tree in red and silver, enchanting it to smell slightly of cinnamon, Harry's favorite. He found he really enjoyed decorating and so set to work on the rest of the rooms.

Severus wasn't so sure about the whole thing. The night before the students left, he asked Draco up to his rooms, to discuss it.

"I mean, should I get him a present or something?" He asked nervously. "what if he doesn't? and what if he does, and I don't like it? And I supposed to lie?" "yes." Draco said firmly. "lie. Tell him you love it no matter what it is."

"now, as for what you get him, you should bring him a bottle of red wine as a sort of thanks for inviting me gift as well as a Christmas present." Draco stated. "I also highly doubt there will be anyone else there, so it shouldn't be too stressful for you, I know you don't like crowds. As for what you should actually get him, it should be thoughtful, and not offensive, and it needs to be…" As Draco continued on his rant, Severus looked at him nervously. He wasn't sure this was a good idea.

"So maybe something quiddich related." Draco suggested. "if I were you I would buy him…hmmm, oh I know, could you make him a warming potion , right, for when he's playing in the rain but the problem with those is that you often get too hot under all the quiddich robes and it's easy to lose concentration, some players have even passed out from the extra heat. You're a potions genius, I bet you could make him something that could keep his core body temperature stable. I've never heard of anything like it before, but you could do it, right?" Draco finished- finally.

Severus nodded. There were potions like that to be honest, but they were used only in medical emergencies, if someone had fallen under ice or something, and they made you pass out. But yeah, he could put something together that would work for Harry.

Severus bit his lip, "and you think he would like it?" Draco nodded, over joined to see his god father so worried about Harry's likes and dislikes. It was good for his plan.

"so that, and, did you say I should bring him some wine?" Severus asked, Draco nodded, ready for resistance. "Oh Draco, he is under age, and I'm his professor, I really shouldn't-"

"listen." Draco said. "for one thing, I'm sure it wont be his first drink. For another, its not like you will get drunk on one bottle. And its polite." But the most important reason was one Draco was not included to mention; giving wine would show that Severus was treating harry as an adult, something that Draco knew Harry wanted and deserved. It was also just slightly flirtatious.

Because Draco had decided that come hell or high water, these two would get together. He wasn't going to interfere too much, just a nudge when they needed it. And they needed it.

So that's what Severus did, he created the potion, not too difficult, and bought the wine.

Harry was having a little more trouble. Probably because he didn't have someone just to tell him what to get Severus. He thought about a book, but he figured that since Severus still had the books from Salazar's library to look though, he had more than enough for the moment.

He also had no idea what other potions supplies he needed, so that was pretty much out of the question, which was a shame because Severus was so passionate about potions…

Hmm…

In the end Harry decided to give him a gift bag of a few small things. He bought a small box of truffles, he guessed that while Severus wouldn't enjoy sweets, some rich, dark chocolate wouldn't go amiss. He also bought him a book in the end, just because he knew how much he loved them. He bought The tenant of wildfell hall, by Anne Bronte. Really he only got it because he knew it was a "classic" and Severus seemed like that kind of guy.

Lastly he added a Frank Sinatra CD. He wasn't totally sure why he picked that one in particular, but he just had a feeling Severus would like Sinatra. Again, he was like dark chocolate, smooth and deep and velvety a little sweet and a little bitter…and a little like Severus himself.

Harry wasn't so sure about his present, to be honest, but he was really excited about Christmas. For some reason, it felt like his first real one and it kind of was. It was the first one that he felt like he was having at his home, not that he didn't love the weasles, but he had decorated his place and it was only him and Severus and it felt so much more relaxed, more his.

They had decided that Severus would come after Christmas lunch and stay the night, which felt oddly like a date to Harry but he had no idea why.

Christmas lunch, as always, was amazing. The hall was beautiful and everyone was in good cheer. But a part of Harry was just waiting for it to be over. They walked down from the great hall together, happily insulting professor Flitwicks new hat.

"wow" Severus said when they walked into the chambers, now that Harry looked at it though someone else's eyes, maybe he had gone a little over the top with the decorations. "red and silver, house colours combined, how….politically correct."

Harry couldn't help being a little upset by this lackluster description, but Severus wasn't paying much attention. He was holding out a bottle of wine and looking slightly embarrassed. "I um…thought you might like this. You know, um" now it came down to it, he couldn't quite remember what Draco had said he should say; " I well, wanted to say thank you." He prayed Harry wouldn't ask what for, because he didn't know exactly.

But Harry didn't, instead he smiled that wonderful smile of his and just said; "That's so nice of you, thank you, you didn't have to, really." But sometime later harry was still grinning and Severus was silently thanking Draco, promising to never doubt him again.

Severus had one of the most enjoyable Christmases that he could remember. They loved each-others gifts, despite the fact that Severus already had a copy of the book Harry got him, but it was such a nice thought he really didn't care.

It was a very pleasant evening all round, and both of them enjoyed it immensely.

But when Harry got into bed that night, it just didn't feel right. After a bit of searching he found the problem, he felt guilty, not just because here he was, enjoying another Christmas, when so many people never would, (although that was defiantly making him feel bad) it but because he was enjoying it with Severus. It was bad enough that Siri and Lupin and his dad would never enjoy themselves again, but did he have to…betray them like this?

He felt so conflicted. All he knew was that his father and his friends had really hated Severus, surly there had to be a reason? But Harry just couldn't figure it out. He had hardly been Severus's number one fan over the years, but now….Harry couldn't even imagine it.

After an hour or so of trying to go to sleep and failing, he got up, deciding that a hot chocolate was in order. He didn't bother putting a top on, figuring Severus would be well asleep by now.

He wasn't, he was sitting in the kitchen, nibbling at some of the left overs. Harry tried to turn around and leave quietly, planning to come back when he was fully clothed, but he must have made more noise than he planned because Severus turned around and locked eyes with Harry. Harry grinned sheepishly. Figuring the damage had already been done, he walked back into the room saying; "can't sleep?" Severus cleared his throat and shook his head. "yeah me neither." Harry moaned.

Severus felt butterflies in his stomach and God it was strange… Harry certainly had a beautiful body. Tanned and toned and- oh my god his nipples were erect. Did that mean another part of his anatomy was erect? Severus bit his lip, God he wanted to get laid…But Severus was bought out of his inappropriate musing by a sniff from Harry.

"Are you all right?" Severus asked cautiously. "yeah I'm fine." Harry said sadly. " I just…oh I don't know. " he threw himself in to the chair across from Severus and sighed. "I've had a great Christmas I have no reason not to be happy, but…" Harry sighed and looked at the table.

"but?" Severus prompted.

Harry wanted to tell him but how could he tell Severus that he felt guilty for spending time with him? He couldn't. So instead Harry went with;

"I just feel really conflicted, feeling that my mother would have wanted me to be one way and my father another."

Severus understood what he meant.

It was really nice to be able to talk to someone about all this stuff, Harry thought. Someone that understood, someone that was so surprisingly nice. And good looking. Harry didn't know where that thought came from, but he went with it. Severus had these pretty pink lips and Harry suddenly felt the urge to find out just how soft they were…

But suddenly he stopped speaking and Harry relised he hadn't caught a word of what he had said. "umm, yeah." Harry said, hoping to get away with it.

"you agree?" Severus said, a little confused. "umm…I think so. Maybe, I mean, if you do."

"you weren't paying attention were you?" Severus accused. Harry blushed, god it's hot when he does that, Severus thought suddenly. "sorry." Harry said.

Severus rolled his eyes and made his point again. At some point over the course of the evening they opened the wine and put some music on, the two of them inching steadily closer.


	8. Hope

_Thanks for the reviews guys! Really glad you're enjoying the story, keep them coming _

"shhhhh sia sanash." Harry said. He was again teaching Severus parsletoung, and had just told him to have a nice day.

Severus tried copying him, but was having a bit of a problem with it. Harry fought valiantly against a smile, but lost and Severus scowled at him. "what?" he asked, leaning back into the couch. Again they were in the chamber, Harry drinking hot chocolate and Severus a scotch.

"you…that was…" Harry couldn't help it, he had to say the word; "cute."

"cute?" Severus gasped, looking like he had just been given a death sentence.

"you've got a little bit of a lisp." Harry explained, not able to get the smile off of his face. So cute!

Severus pursed his lips and glared at Harry. Harry smiled sweetly back.

"I have been called many things in my time, but never 'cute'" Severus said, utterly taken aback. He was not cute. Evil spies for the dark side where _not_ cute. "first time for everything." Harry said flippantly, before looking Severus over and adding; "besides it's not…wholly inaccurate." Harry said, teasing him happily.

"I am not cute!" Severus objected, incensed. He put his drink down and turned to Harry, who was smirking and stretching his arms over his head, his top riding up and showing his firm abs. He imagined how easy to would be to reach over and pull Severus into his lap.

"You are actually." Harry said. "Especially when you try and deny it." And that time, he kind of meant it, there was something wonderful and soft about Severus sometimes. Not all the time obviously, but when he had a slight blush on his cheeks and that smile on his face…. And Harry really liked that no one else got to see it the way he did.

Severus gaped at him. He still couldn't get over it, cute? Him? "no." he said simply. What was Harry talking about?

"oh come on, you are a little." Harry said, wondering how far he should push this, but loving every second of it. "like when you walk around the halls with your head in the clouds thinking about your potions. You look evil I grant you that, scowling at everything. And I'm not saying you're not intimidating, have no fear….But to anyone in the know, you're day dreaming like everyone else. That's pretty cute." Harry said, unable to resist. He had finally, after all of these years, found a button of Severus which he could push without being in fear of his life. He wanted to use it a little.

It was only after Severus had left, claiming to be greatly insulted with just a hint of a smile on his heart, that Harry really thought about what he had been saying. He had been calling his professor cute…and he had meant it… he swallowed and looked down at his hands.

What did that even mean? Had they been flirting? And how did Severus feel about it all? He hadn't been scared away had he?

At the very least they had been joking together, and that was a big milestone in their relationship. It struck Harry just how backwards that was. Normally people started out with the joking and the light hearted chit chat, working up to the deep, personal stuff, but for them it was the complete opposite, they had just dived right in….

Harry leaned back and tried to think clearly. There were something's he knew and some he wasn't so sure about. He knew he valued the other man's friendship. He knew he had meant what he said. He knew he would miss him if something bad happened and that he took so much pleasure when Severus was happy.

He didn't know how Severus felt about all of this. He didn't even know if he was already in a relationship, although he doubted it. He didn't know if he wanted, or could get, more. He didn't know where this was going.

He closed his eyes and pictured them as a couple. Moody, gloomy Severus. Workaholic Severus. Touchy, demanding, irritable Severus. And him, together.

He found himself smiling. He would like that.

It took Severus longer to realize the potential subtext of their conversation. It had incensed him so much to be called cute, that it took a while for it to sink in.

At that moment, he was just pouring a drink for Draco Malfoy, who was sitting in Severus's living room. He did not make a habit of seeing his godson outside of classroom hours, but he felt it necessary to welcome him back from each of the holidays.

"he…called me cute." Severus answered when Draco casually enquired as to how he and Harry were getting along. A huge smirk split across Draco's face and he was exceedingly glad Severus was looking the other way. "really?" he said, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice. Draco was amazed at Harry's forthright nature, but then he usually was. Maybe they didn't need his help after all…

"do you think…he might have been flirting with me?" okay maybe Harry didn't need his help, but Severus sure did. "probably. But then I don't know, I wasn't there, what do you think?" Draco asked silkily. "I think…" Severus started. "I think…I think it's entirely inappropriate to be discussing anything of this sort with one of my students, and even worse to be contemplating possibility of anything happening. Kindly get out. Now." Severus's voice had turned icy and he looked so severe that Draco didn't dare reason with the man.

Draco sighed and stood up, disappointed but not surprised. Severus was usually like this. He got to the door without a word and turned around. "look, just t

hink about it okay? And, although I'm loath to say it, Harry's been good to you, don't just throw it away because he might have freaked you out."

Severus just scowled at him. Draco made sure to slam the portrait behind himself.

The potions master threw himself in to a chair and snorted at the antics of his godson. But now he was at a bit of a loose end. He asked himself much the same questions as Harry, but wasn't anywhere near as satisfied with the answers. He was a much older man, he shouldn't even be this friendly with one of his students let alone think about _that_. It was sickening. And Harry wasn't flirting with him, he couldn't be, why would someone like that flirt with someone like him? They wouldn't. It would be absurd.

But Severus didn't stop thinking about it all that night, and when he crawled in to bed he sighed, nuzzling his pillow and wishing at least that he was back in the chamber with Harry, so he could be that little bit closer.

He curled up and extinguished the candle. For a the past few years he had believed that he would never find anyone to be with like that, that he had left it too late, that he was too stuck in his ways, too evil…

He didn't like changing his mind on the topic, it was a lot easier to deal with if he didn't have that little shred of hope. But even the tiniest bit of hope could change everything. And it did.

The next morning it was still on their minds, although neither of them showed it of course. Fact, when Harry sat down to breakfast with his house, he asked what seemed to be a totally random question;

"Hermione, are you religious?" Harry couldn't believe he had known her for all these years and didn't know, but he figured it was better to be late than never…

" I was raised Christian, but I've been a Buddhist for a few years now." She said, looking at him curiously. " I didn't know that" Harry said, turning more towards her. "what's it like?"

"oh its really interesting." Hermione said " I can lend you a book on it if you want. But its all about enlightenment and how its desire that leads to unhappiness." "cool." Harry said, and for the first time, perhaps ever, he did ask to borrow the book from Hermione. She looked thrilled.

"what about you mate?" Harry asked Ron. "well the family is really rooted in the old ways, I grew up around that, ad yeah I guess I believe but I don't really practice the way I should." Ron said casually.

"and what's that like?" Again amazed that he didn't know such basic things about his best mate. "pretty cool. It's a very individual religion, but it's all about harmony and karma and stuff." Ron said.

"the interesting thing" Hermione started "is that muggles follow it too, even the magical bit. They can actually perform some of the spells quiet successfully, though it can be very random, and a lot slower. It's called Wicca by the way, or paganism. I thought about that one too."

Harry sat back, stunned. God he had so much to think about. A cloud of unease settled over him. In theory, he had all the all the time in the world to think about these things, with no war hanging over his head….

But still, he felt nervous.

There were so many choices ahead of him, most of which he had never even considered. In a way it was almost simpler when there was just good and evil, and he knew where everything stood.

So yeah, this was kind of scary for him, it was all rushing forward like a waterfall crashing downwards and he was unable to move.


	9. Medaling madness…

_Hello all, once again thank you for the reviews, I'm glad you like and I have to say I think this is my fave chapter so far! Hoppe you agree!_

_Dear Harry, _

_Well, the title of this letter is "if you want religious advice" so that what's this will be about, do forgive me if I seem to harp on about it, I know how annoying that can be. _

_There are so many religions out there, I found my home in the old ways, or wicca as the muggles call it, but I believe that at their core, they are all very similar. Find a system that you feel comfortable in, that wholly and deeply encourages you to do better, but does not intimate or harm you if you do not. I won't lie to you Harry, I would like it if you did decide that Wicca was for you, but if it's not that it perfectly okay. Follow your heart, there is no rush to do anything else. _

_If the religion requires you to change something about yourself, it is not for you. It should make you want to be good, not fear to be bad. _

_There are so many religions out there, and it makes the world such an interesting place. Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Daoism… there's so much out there, don't be afraid to learn! Islam, at its heart is also very kind, but I would worry if you got into that, just because other people are so judgmental, not because of the religion itself. _

_Also, I don't know if anyone had explained to you how I know what will happen. I am not a seer, and I have never had a premonition._

_A few days ago, (for me at least, probably many years for you) I was working with the earth energies. I recognize the earth as a protecting, motherly force, very powerful, very wise. I can't tell you everything about her of course, but I encourage you too work with her on your own, she is a great comfort. _

_Anyway, I was in deep meditation with her, when the Goddess Gia appeared to me. Yes, I actually believe that the goddess appeared to me. It may sound insane, I would have to write a book to explain all of this too you, and I don't have the time to do that, but there are many out there that will explain this to you. Severus can probably help._

_While in mediation with the Goddess, I walked with her. We walked all over the world, though meadows and over mountains and across the seas. Muggles call this an out of body experience, but we just call it magic. We talked, Gia and I. she told me I was not long to live on her earth, she introduced me to her lover, the sky and told me when I was to depart for that world. _

_I was in the presence of god, and I was not afraid. But then she told me I had to leave you behind, and I wept and begged and yelled. Yes, I yelled at God for you. But they told me more of your journey, and how hard and how important it would be. And I knew it was useless to fight, all I could do was to write to you. _

_James thinks I've gone mad, thinks I've gone stir crazy being in hiding this long. But I don't mind, he isn't afraid for the last few days, he's happy as ever, and it makes my heart so glad to see us all as a family. I love you Harry, so much my son. I know you are strong and courageous, and kind, and I know that no matter what you do, you will make us so proud. You already have. _

_Much love, mum _

Harry flopped back on the couch and sighed. To be honest, yeah that did sound a little crazy. God coming to talk to her? Just appearing and chatting away happily? And she yelled at them?

And them? So there were many gods? And goddesses? Or was it just this Gia and the sky? Did the sky have a name?

Now that was a strange question…

But then… she _was_ right. She was completely right, down to the day and time.

But still, if he had been James, he wasn't sure if he would have believed her either…

He folded the paper slowly and thoughtfully. That was kind of interesting actually; being able to talk to god…even if it sounded kind of insane. He did feel a little better, her letters always did that.

And with a snort, he thought back to how he used to feel. Empty, dead, flattened….and now he had so many problems! But a smile crossed his face. It was nice, in many ways, to feel so interested in things, there was a time when he would never have thought that possible….

So yeah, Harry deiced, he had defiantly improved, his problems still weren't normal, his was reading letters from his dead mother and falling for his professor. But he kind of liked it.

A door opened and Harry sat up to see the man himself walk in. His heart fluttered in a way that was now so familiar, and yet still so exciting. Severus had just come in from the conservatory and he had bought some of the dirt in on his clothes.

Harry didn't care.

"Harry" Severus said suddenly, as he came to sit with Harry "do you ever spend time in Gryffindor tower?"

"not much …" Harry said, unsure of where this was going.

"why not?" Severus asked innocently.

"I like it down here…" _with you_, harry wanted to add. "I guess I like not having all of those people around. I mean I do sometimes, at meals, and I usually sleep there…and it's nicer to read the letters down here you know, where it's calm." Severus nodded softly. He could understand that. He just hoped that Harry wouldn't bore of this place, he wasn't sure if they would stay well, friends. Severus blushed at admitting that's what they were. He had never done so before. He could be remarkably obtuse when he wanted to be.

Ignorant of his internal monolog, Harry just saw his blush. "I mean I like you." Harry blurted out, having got the impression that he had offended the other man. But then he blushed too, that was much more forward than he had meant it to be, again he had spoken without thinking first.

"I mean, I well, really enjoy your company and like, you know, I would miss you, if I couldn't see you like this…" Harry said, mortified and wishing he hadn't opened his mouth in the first place.

Severus looked stunned. "thank you…" he said softly, and then quickly stood up and said; "right I think I need to go back to those plants."

He disappeared back in to the conservatory and closed the door behind him.

He would miss Harry too. He let out a chuckle, he would even miss that fascinating if slightly unfortunate habit Harry had of saying anything that came into his head.

For once, Severus wondered if there was more than stupidity in that habit, maybe there was a little courage too… he certainty didn't have the guts to tell Harry that he liked him, in even the remotest, most platonic way.

But of course, Harry had meant it to be platonic, Severus quickly reminded himself. It was probably why he was so confident saying anything, it didn't carry the same weight.

Still, it was really nice that he said that. Severus smiled.

Harry meanwhile, was wondering what was going on. He had embarrassed himself, he expected that Severus would tease him mercilessly, not run out of the room. He frowned and licked his lips thoughtfully. Why would he do that?

Well, maybe he thought that it put him in an uncomfortable position, being Harry's teacher and everything… but there weren't any rules against student teacher relationships, even romantic ones. In a moment of weakness, Harry had checked and was overjoyed to find a lope hole…

And anyways, he was just saying what was already in the air…

No, harry thought, it was a lot more likely that he just wasn't used to people being positive to him, people never seemed to be kind to that man, no matter what he did…Harry's heart swelled, that man deserved a lot more love in his life and Harry resolved to give it to him, even if it couldn't be romantic.

Harry wanted to run after him and tell him it was okay and hug him, and kiss him and-

But under his shell of cold indifference, Severus was chronically shy, Harry had learnt that, and he would come out when he was ready. Harry hated waiting, hated it so much, but he knew he was just going to have to.

About half an hour later, Harry was put out of his misery. Severus came and sat on the sofa next to Harry, deep in thought. "something wrong?" Harry asked. "no." Severus said, far too quickly. Harry looked at him for a second before asking; "so, you spend most of your time down here as well. What did you used to do?"

"I had peace and quiet, away from annoying students." Severus huffed, but they both knew his was joking.

"yeah." Harry giggled. "and in your wonderful, peaceful life, what did you do?"

"I…worked." Severus said slowly. "I read a lot more than I do now, I…graded papers."

"sounds like fun." Harry said dryly. "it was peaceful." Severus defended, _but I don't want it back_, he thought.

" I was content." He said, and he meant it.

Harry hoped that he would come to be so much happier than just 'content'.

"and anyway," Severus said, turning to look at him with a reproachful look on his face "there was a war on until very recently, give me a break. "

Harry just laughed.

The days went on and Harry tried to pepper them with nice words or compliments to Severus. He blushed every time and ran away somewhere, but it only made Harry more confidant that yes, the man did need appreciation and love.

This greatly confused Severus and sent him in to a mad tailspin. He desperately wanted to reciprocate, but it was hard, when he knew they had such different motives…so he did the only thing he could think of, he asked Draco for advice.

They were both in his private rooms and Severs had just finished telling his Godson the facts.

On the inside, Draco was dancing with glee. He really, truly and honestly wanted Severus to be happy, and this was perfect.

"well," Draco said, fighting to keep his voice calm "Look, firstly, try complementing him back once in a while. He's an emotional Gryffindor, they all wear their hearts on their sleeves. There's a quiddich game coming up this weekend, tell him he flies beautifully. It doesn't matter if you go and see the game, just say it." Severus nodded. He already thought that about Harry, to be honest, sometimes he watched when fly he was practicing…

"and secondly." Draco continued. "it's your birthday coming up and Potter is bound to find out. If he gets you… hmm, something like flowers, and maybe a book and…perhaps something for two people, like a game or if he offers to go out and buy you a drink... If he does that, you know he's flirting with you. For certain."

A while later, Draco left happily, feeling that his work with his godfather at least, was done.

Now for potter.

They bumped into each other a few days later, again in an empty corridor. Without any preamble Draco said "a word, if you will" Harry looked suspicious but nodded. "look," Draco said, drawing him into a corner.

"I know this is forward of me, but I really do need to ask you something. About Severus…" "oh, um okay…" Harry said, looking little worried. "I just wanted to know if…" and now even Draco was a little embarrassed. "if you were fond of him." "er, yeah…" Harry said, wondering where this was going.

"no I mean…romantically so. Look he's a very fragile person, I know you cant tell-"

"wait why?" Harry butted in. "does this mean he is…?"

"it's…possible." Draco said coyly. "it's impossible to tell with that man." Lies. He knew perfectly well, but he didn't want to just say it, they needed a nudge not a great big push. "all I'm saying is it could go in that direction and if there's no chance, I want to dissuade him."

Harry blushed madly before saying "well, yes I am, I do like him romanticly… if you must know." Draco nodded, smiling slightly. "Well, it's his birthday coming up, may I suggest getting him…oh well, some flowers, and maybe a book, and he loves playing chess, but he doesn't have a board, perhaps that? I know he would really love it, he does miss playing it so, it would make his week."

"yeah. Okay." Harry said, a genuine smile on his face. "thanks, that's what I'll do."


	10. Small Steps

So quiet a sweet chapter I think way in opposition to my Sold To the Devil story, wich was should really look at! Again, reviews are awesomely motivational. However, I was a bit lacking last time and if I lack again, I may lost momentum. That would be sad. Don't do that. Review!

Severus and Harry were again, in the chamber of secrets. They were just immerging from the conservatory, where they had were chatting about religion with Stella, when Severus blurted out; " you fly beautifully you know." Harry turned to him, amazed. "thanks… I didn't know you went to the game."

"I didn't." Severus said bluntly. "but I watch you practice sometimes, and well... you do. Fly beautifully that is."

"thanks" Harry said, a huge and genuine smile spreading over his face. Severus turned away, slightly embarrassed but still glad.

"you should join me." Harry said softly. "what? No." Severus said scornfully. "I think you'd like it." Harry continued in the same soft but sure vein. "and besides, the full moon's tonight, AND your meant to be able to see Venus." A slight pause. "I know a spot with a beautiful view."

Severus was sorely tempted but, and he was a little embarrassed when he admitted this; " I don't know to fly. I've never been able to." But harry brushed that off easily. " I can. Fly with me. Oh come on it will be fun." And Harry took Severus's hand and lead him out on to the grounds. Severus was apprehensive to say the least, he protested many times but harry wasn't have any of it.

It was a wonderful night, cool and clear and the moon seemed especially bright.

"wait right here." Harry said, jogging off to the lockers to retrieve his broom. Severus looked around the grounds for a moment. He had always seen the night as such a feral, wild time for secrets and intrigue, but this was so sweet, so beautiful with Hogwarts lit up and a dusting of snow on the ground.

Harry soared back on it a few moments later and came to a graceful halt at Severus's shoulder.

" I dont-" Severus started, but Harry lifted him up, easily as he would a kitchen and gently placed him on the broom. "just lean back on me, okay? And try not to fidget too much." Severus froze instantly and Harry laughed. "and relax, it will be fine." They gently climbed into the sky, and harry grinned wildly. It was the best feeling in the world, and having Severus there too just made it so special.

"umm Harry? Shouldn't you have both hands on the broom?" Severus asked nervously. Harry currently had one hand on his firebolt, the other arm was wrapped snugly around Severus.

"nope." Harry said. " in fact I could do with no hands at all." And with that, he wrapped both his arm around Severus, steering only with his knees and egging it on a little faster, just to tease.

"okay!" Severus said, his voice just a little higher than normal as they picked up speed. " I believe you, now put your hand back." Harry chuckled and did so, leveling them off and heading slightly east.

"it really is stunning up here." Severus said after a while, the moon shone off of the lake and the castle looked so different at this angle.

"it is" Harry said, eyes only for Severus.

Finally they reached Harry's favorite spot. Harry came to a halt, pulling the broom handle upwards slightly, causing Severus to slip just a little bit more into him.

"wow, harry…" Severus said, looking at the view in front of them. They were in the middle of a valley, all was dusted in snow, huge mountains on either side of them and down below was a stream that reached as far as they could see. There was a fox drinking from the water.

The whole thing was illuminated by the light of the moon, and God the moon had never seemed that big before, or the stars so clear.

Severus leaned his head back on Harry's shoulder and looked up at the vast sky, Venus bright and shining down on them. Harry slowly, almost slyly wound both arms around Severus and rejoiced in the feeling of him, their bodies slotted together to create a whole.

Harry looked into the sky too, but not for long. He was looking at Severus, and Severus must have felt Harry's breath on his cheek because he turned his head sharply.

And now they were looking each other in the eyes, their lips millimeters apart. If either of them moved a hair's breadth they would be kissing, or even if the wind buffeted them slightly. Their skin was smooth and their breath mingled together in the cold night.

But harry truly didn't think Severus was ready for a kiss. He had to go slowly with him, and so he did the next best thing.

"you're beautiful." He said, and when his lips came out to pronounce the words, they brushed Severus's, just oh so gently.

Severus's eyes went wide, making him look even more attractive. "you are." Harry said, not able to look away " so beautiful." And it was almost too much for Harry to handle, every nerve in his body was screaming for them to kiss. But he couldn't. It would just scare Severus, and it would be cruel to do it when he was trapped up here like this…

And so he moved away slightly, to look back into the sky. Severus meanwhile was stunned and couldn't look anywhere but at Harry, at the soft curve of his neck the contours of his face, the red of his lips…

"you too." Severus said breathlessly. Harry broke out into a smile, but didn't look down at Severus again. "thanks." He said, "I'm very glad you think so."

Actually, Severus thought, beautiful wasn't the word he would use for harry. Handsome was closer too it, but that wasn't strong enough. Stunning maybe? But still that was too feminine…

A cold gust blew and Severus shivered in to Harry. "cold?" Harry asked "maybe we should think about going back down." The last thing either of them wanted to do was stop this, but it was cold and they both had so much to think about. And so they drifted back, taking their time and loving every second of it.

They landed with a soft thud and dismounted, Severus still looking stunned. After a brief pause harry said; " you know what I'm going to keep flying, I would invite you back up but I want to actually practice and I don't think you would enjoy it." Severus nodded and they said their farewell's before they slipped away from each other.

Severus arrived at his quarters and poured himself a large lightening-whisky, one step stronger than fire-whisky .

What on earth had just happened? That was amazingly…wild. He couldn't believe it. That had to be some bazar dream, some strange working of the moon.

Yes that was it, perhaps Potter really had gone mad under the moon light. It didn't take long for Severus to convince himself of the logic and likelihood of this theory, and he was soon certain that that's what had happened.

Because it was too good to be real.

But still, how should he act when he saw harry next? Would Harry feel awkward? Would he try and apologize? Should Severus? He groaned, he didn't want to get Draco involved in this but he was so confused, and he really had no one else to ask…which was pathetic really, but he decided not to dwell on that. He got quill and ink together scrawled the shortest letter he could.

_Draco, he called me beautiful. What do I do? Severus_

He really hadn't been expecting a reply before morning, but not five minutes later, Dracos owl was on his window sill.

_Dear Severus, that's fantastic! Good for you. Now please don't freak out too much. This can only be a good thing. I know you're probably immensely worried, but don't be. Just… go with it. Seriously, it will be okay. And although he can be a prat sometimes, I'm sure you two will be a good match. So don't worry, enjoy it. Draco_

Draco was feeling very pleased about the recent turn of event and when he passed Harry in the hall way, he couldn't help but smile slightly. "what are you feelings so good about?" Harry said, he was feeling a lot better towards Draco since their last conversation. He quickly reminded himself not to forget Severus's birthday, which was in a week.

"I heard someone's made my God father happy, a paid him a competent or too." Harry blushed crimson, he knew that Draco must be talking about last night. "he liked it?"

"yeah" Draco chuckled. "although I have to say I'm surprised at your self-restraint. Havn't kissed him yet." Draco said, hoping that he wasn't going too far.

But Harry just smiled softly and said. "no… I can't help but think he needs more time."

"very astute of you, I must say I'm impressed." Draco said, and Harry was amazed, first talking civily and now a compliment?

"so you admit you were wrong about me." Harry teased.

"no way in hell potter, I'm never wrong. I'm just saying you've changed." Harry laughed, perhaps he was just more used to slytherins now, because he could see the compliment hidden in Draco's words. "yeah well, you too I guess." There was a bit of an awkward pause and then Harry finally asked;

"so you…don't mind, about the possibility of something more between your God father and me?"

"god no. anything to make him happy… and anyways, you're a good influence on him." Harry raised his eye brows in question and Draco blushed slightly. "he's becoming a lot more open with everyone, not just you. It's happening slowly, but he's finally engaging with people. Even I've started to spend more time with him recently and it's nice. So thanks."

Harry had no clue what to say to that. But they parted, just a little bit closer than they had been.

Small steps.


End file.
